Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
