Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
