i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
