I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
