officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
