if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Damn victory sex feels great
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
