Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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