I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
