I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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