went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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