Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
