Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
