I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
