Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
