my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
