I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
