The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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