it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
