Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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