This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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