Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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