what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
