The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
