It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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