Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
