was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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