Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
