I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Did I show you my penis last night?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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