boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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