Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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