I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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