2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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