why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
