I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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