Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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