i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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