The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
