My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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