I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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