I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
