so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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