Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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