ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
