Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
