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I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
