After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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