I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
