I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
