mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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