the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
this hospital has no fireball
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
