i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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