Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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