Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
